6 months in a blog post

I officially graduated Medicine last May
Alhamdulillah :)


Left Ireland as soon as I graduated
my heart sank, tears tank exploded


I miss Ireland


**********************************

I thought living in Malaysia wouldn't be this hard
There are way more to be sacrificed

I mean when I was in Ireland,
I only have to think about myself
if I was tired or feeling down or whatever that was

but here, as the eldest, I couldn't put my family aside in every decision I made
I have to be with them, supporting them, especially when they need me, the so-called the only doctor in the family

to cut it short
I can't give commitment towards usrah, DnT

So
I gave up
eventually :(


**************************************

Since I am loaded with time at the moment
It makes me wonder if I'd took different paths beforehand

I might have more friends
I might have good memories of UKE
I might not be the same

I might still trying to commit

I might not be the same



But I have no chance to turn back time
and yet if I have the chance,  I still could not figure out which path should I take


So I think this has to be my midlife crisis

Welcoming myself to adulthood

*****************************************


I have witnessed how blessed Arwah Dr Atik's life
I never knew him personally, even never met him in person

I only came to heard his name when he was sick
He was in comma due to brain hge 2nd to ruptured AVM

Everyone went to Ipoh just to support him and his family
especially those knowing him since in UK (He studied medicine there)

He was pronounced death a few days after the surgery

and after that
people came from every part of Malaysia to visit his family
Everyone prayed for him
and so many people be his witness of how much he has contributed for ummah


If I am to die now

I think I will be nothing but burden to those alive
I have no one, except my family, to pray for me


Up until today
I still could not stop thinking how my death day would look like



*******************************************


I really hope I could be a good servant of Allah




'abid
201117
Alor Lintang

mixed feeling

sekarang ni mixed feeling habis

taksabar nak habis exam
2 clinical exams je lagi
moga Allah luluskan ujian sekolah perubatan ni

tapi

at the same time

sedih nak tinggal Ireland

semalam masa qadhaya usrah

"saya sedih nak balik. I feel belong to this place"

huu semua senyap.

"tapi Malaysia lagi best awak. hehs. takpun awak stay jelah teman akak"

"saya tak apply kerja sini pun akak"

sebab aku tahu aku rasa lagi belong pada tempatni
aku takut terlekat kat sini
sedangkan aku tahu aku perlu balik

haha. kira nak kurangkan option lah
so that aku tak pening sorang-sorang


haa kan sekarang dah sedih

insyaAllah 3 minggu je lagi duduk Cork

lepas tu taktahu lah bila lagi boleh tengok Cork
boleh tengok CUH
boleh jalan-jalan cork city

aci nak nangis bila teringat aku akan rindukan tempat  ni

ahah dah masuk fasa cengeng


cork ni special kat hati aku
tempat jatuh bangun semua kat sini
tempat ak belajr jadi matang sikit

tempat yang jadi saksi
aku berubah luar dan dalam

kat sini aku bina himmah aliyah
dan kat sini jugak aku jatuh sebawah-bawahnya

dan aku mula bangun balik pada tahun akhir pun
kat atas tanah ini jugak

I tell myself

dear awak,
nanti masuk syurga
boleh mintak je dgn Allah
boleh mintak nak duduk cork forever

hehe

masuk syurga prioriti sekarang, okay?

Liver biopsy done 2 days ago
I was knocked out by the effect of midazolam
I was asleep yesterday, without myself realizing it to happen

and by now I could still feel the dizziness effect of midaz

ngehs

2 days before exam
and all I can do is sleeping

and even when I open my eyes
all I can do is feeling nauseous


serius taktahu macam mana orang buat c-sect boleh survive
cut kecik pun rasa taksabar nak tunggu heal completely

rasa macam dah gatal sebab dressing ni


without treatment, 50% of AIH patients die within 5 years
(so gonna take all tx seriously this time around!)

kepala aku kira-kira
agak-agak kalau lah tak termasuk dalam 50% tu pun
mungkin lah paling-paling double life expectancy another 50% patients tu kan

kalau betullah ada 10 tahun je lagi nak hidup atas dunia ni
macam mana nak buat biar boleh masuk syurga ek?

dengan dosa 25 tahun lepas yang tinggi menggunung


and my heart answered,
by stop worrying
and continue worshipping Allah

hewhew
hikhok


baiklah
baiklah

setiap saat pun benih ke syurga kan?

Final exam officially started today, with Paeds OSCE

I wasn't really prepared to be honest
I was exhausted by my own thought perhaps
distracted by tense that just arrived right before exam

blerghh

So basically too many things went wrong recently
Especially my health condition

I am fine, I am fine
just that the blood and body doesn't seems fine

That my liver has to be biopsied tomorrow

tomorrow yes
and next 3 days I will have my written exammsss


5 tahun duduk Ireland ni jadi tak pandai nak express pulak
tak pandai nak nangis
tak pandai nak relieve stress kot

pendam sampai takde perasaan

tapi action nampak sangat tengah tak betul
tidur 14 jam sehari

wth
sah tak betul

walaupun doktor cakap tu sebab penat sebab sakit

tapi aku still rasa tu psychology aku yang tak betul

blerghh


takut nya.
takut
takut
takut


taktahu nak describe macam mana takut tu

dear self,
stop being cengeng please
kuat
jangan nangis

this, too, shall pass


corcaigh 140417

moga redha ya hati

ukhwah

Gaahhh I just feel like writing right now

This afternoon somebody decided to re-open old discussion group, randomly

which made me realized how much I miss them

They are far from me, as we obviously separated by distance

we rarely text or talk to each other

but when we do, it is always about important things in life haha

life, decision

the thing that bring us close

hehs.

takkan lupa kot

"betul ke kita nak buat ni?"

"betul. jom buka peta UK"

"jom search kat fb"

but life is never easy right?

life hit us hard, straight on our face

"maybe Allah wants us to learn the hard way"

simple

but whenever I started to give up

I always tell myself, 'Allah is teaching me the hard way. Hold on. Hold on'

I remembered one of NAK talk,

"we are on our journey to reach Allah's blessing (redha). We are not perfect, that's why Allah said it is a journey. Nobody will reach the perfection as His servant. and He only asks us to die on this path/journey"

So this is definitely a very long journey

we may part away, as we decided the thing we want in life

"Awak jangan lupa saya. Balik Malaysia nanti bagitahu kalau ada projek"

I couldn't promise about whatever project you are talking about. But I promise to not forget you (That's one of the reason I am writing right now)

whatever happen, wherever you are

the three of you, are too dear to my heart

"Akak, sekarang tinggal kita dua je. sedih"

"Tak, mana ada. They are still with us. Separated by distance, tapi ruh masih bersatu,dalam doa"

Dalam doa, mereka masih ada bersama aku

"Akak, sekarang saya nak tinggal akak sorang je ni haha"

"Takpe doa kan ada"

tapi, sekarang, kadang-kadang

rasa jelah sorang-sorang haha

Unfortunately all four of us are not expressive :p

Jumpa kat syurga, sis!

Fateh. Galway. Leicester. Surrey. Essex. London. Sabah

Costa Stansted Airport. Costa Cork

Cafe dalam Eason, Dublin

semoga mereka menjadi saksi

gundah gelana hati dan fikiran

yang banyak bercelaru daripada tenang

#8daystofinal #KakAnacomingsoon #mayAllaheases

Untuk mereka yang aku bertemu di atas jalan dakwah ini

moga kita terus sabar dan thabat di perbatasan masing-masing

thing to be grateful for

I have been blessed with good health since last winter break

I might not be able to reach the baseline of my health condition
but I'm fine, doing very well, able to smile
even though there were some spikes here and there
but they were minors hehe

however, my blood doesn't seems to agree with me
they went haywire for these past 2 months
my liver enzymes go up as if I drink alcohol!

after changing of medication here and there,
they still don't want to go down
*sigh*

but I am so grateful to have a good doctor here

I remembered her calling me when I was in Portugal
to make sure I am fine since my blood doesn't looks good
She kept bugging me with her text to make sure I understand all management plan
and I feel so thankful to have such a committed doctor taking care of me
who willingly came to hospital on her off-day to see me
the most patient doctor trying to reach me (since I always silent my phone)

and so much more
weh balik Malaysia nanti mesti takde dah doktor baik macam ni

k ada je lah masa-masa yang geram
since She's not a native english speaker
sometimes she explained things dramatically, way tooo dramaticc

There is one time when she want to push me to find my future doctor in Malaysia
"You really have to find it now!"
"Okay I will" (dengan muka bersahaja yg mungkin tak convince kan dia)
"If you get flares up again you can die! So I want you to have a doctor as soon as you reach Malaysia!"

terus muka aku pun terpana
dan mengangguk dengan penuh convincing

hailaaa

walaupun dalam hati, "takdelah sampai mati kot"

She always think that I am worried about myself
when I am actually not.. at all

so actually she worried about me, more

"I will keep your number. Anything happen, call me straight away, even on weekend. I am not oncall but I am in Cork. Call me okay, call me"

"why do you use private number? I need to recognize your number when you call me"

pun boleh.

hahah,
aku selalu amused dengan kerisauan dia.


walaupun masa mula-mula transferred to her (sebab my consultant maternal leave)
I was like.. "nak previous consultant!!"

haha

She is god-sent
might not be someone close to me
but she basically knows everything about me though hehe

alhamdulillah for every single thing

finals in 2 weeks time
may Allah eases
moga lepas insyaAllah :)

medicine

alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal

dah 2 minggu rotation medicine dekat Kerry
rasa dah jatuh cinta pulak dengan Kerry haha

I always love medicine
sampai ada satu masa dwell sangat dengan medicine
aku jumpa keseronokan disebalik semuanya (kecuali exam haha)

dekat UHK ni semua orang baik sangat
rasa macam part of the team
dekat Clonmel dulu pun dorang include kita as team jugak
tapi sebab masa tu first rotation
still tak reti nak buat apa as intern haha

aku banyak belajar dari setiap orang

Dari Ferrah yang always have the time for budak macam aku
walaupun dia tengah busy dengan patients
tambah exam untuk jadi consultant tu lagi

Dari Sarah yang sangat lembut dan penyabar
dan selalu ingatkan aku
"you can do this"
dan sambung dia lagi, "even though sometimes it will be so hard"

Dari Ben yang selalu senyum dan cool
orang pertama percaya aku untuk buat kerja intern haha
(ok mungkin sebab dah tak cukup orang)
kata dia, "you will be my intern and I'll be registrar today"
dan buat ward round without bosses :p

saje nak tulis
supaya aku selalu ingat
mereka pernah hadir dalam hidup aku
pernah meninggalkan kesan pada diri aku

aku selalu wonder
kenapa kita kena berpisah
bila kita dah jumpa orang yang best dalam hidup kita

dan aku dah jumpa pun jawapannya
supaya kita tak attach pada keindahan sementara
dan hanya sayang Allah sahaja

hidup dekat Kerry penuh dengan positive vibes
sampai aku rasa tu ideal workplace

semua orang akan memberi kita motivasi

teringat Dr Tariq introduce aku pada consultants lain
"she is medical student. She's our future haematologist"

dan mereka yang lain menyambut "masya Allah.. for ummah, sisters"

sape je tak terkesan kan :)


dan Dr O'Brien yang penuh hikmah
di sebalik ketegasan (dan high speed speech haha)
aku akan selalu ingat
cara dia mengajak kami belajar
"for today you will read more about this and that okay?"


duduk kat Kerry ni macam duduk dekat negara Islam haha
tak rasa awkward pakai tudung
semua orang acknowledge waktu solat

Dr Tariq siap tanya lagi
after solat baca khutbah ke tak
(aku rasa dia maksudkan ada tazkirah ke tak haha)


ideal kan?

kat Malaysia confirm takde semua ni LOLs


aku harap semangat aku tak luntur bila dah balik Malaysia nanti
aku takdelah betul-betul nak jadi haematologist

tapi apa-apa sahaja specialization yang akn dibuat
semoga betul-betul untuk ummah

:)


comel je tadi dorang bincang nak pergi Islamic talk
sebab ramai speakers hebat datang from US Canada bagai


wherever we go
we will never leave tarbiyah kan.


tak habis lagi rotation'tapi dah rindu Kerry :)

minggu ni flare-up lagi
4 hari terlentang atas katil
bukan setakat tak pergi kelas, buku pun tak sentuh

bangun solat dan makan ubat ja


rasa macam penat sangat minggu ni


penat belajar, penat emosi, penat fikir


orang selalu mengadu down
dan aku akan cakap,
takpe, bangunlah balik
kita boleh

etc

tapi bila diri sendiri yang down
sila lah nasihatkan diri sendiri

hehs.


aku penat dengan manusia

tapi, mana boleh kan?


dear self,
taktahulah ok tak fake it till you make it
but you've gone through a lot
this is just another hurdle of life

keep going
strong
and brave

don't get bothered by those people
who don't even deserve you in their life
they don't worth your thought
(k ayat ego skit)

purify your heart
focus on achieving your dream
your remaining time is gradually lessen

......................................



corcaigh
110217

hayaa'

semalam, bila murobbi tanya siapa yang boleh share hadith 20
aku volunteer, walaupun macam tak sempat sangat nak prepare
since ada kelas dari pagi dan weekend free ni lah nak tunaikan hak housemate

entahlah kenapa aku offer diri
mungkin sebab aku rasa ini usrah aku
dan aku yang bertanggung jawab menghidupkannya

bukan lah sebab 'kalau bukan siapa aku, siapa lagi nak buat?'
tapi sebab aku tahu kami perlukan tazkiyah dari sang nabi

it is a beautiful hadith indeed
ingatkan balik benda basic je pun
sejauh mana kita dzatiyah dalam tarbiyah sendiri
dan semuanya bermula dari jiwa rabbani

panjang sangat kalau nak share pasal hadith
and tak rasa perkataan hodoh aku mampu explain hadith tu


cuma
aku bermuhasabah

aku selalu cakap tarbiyah aku macam roller coster
tapi di saat ini Allah memberikan peluang lagi
untuk merasai betapa manisnya tarbiyah

Allah menghidupkan kembali jiwa yang pernah kering kontang

teringat sharing Nouman Ali Khan (haha somebody bring NAK into my life :p)
hati kita sangat berbolak balik
dan betapa kita memerlukan doa untuk pastikan hati kita sentiasa berada di jalan yg betul

tak terpesong walau sedikit

rasa macam nak nangis
sebab dulu rasa dah jadi routine sebut

'ya muqallibal qulub thabbit qulu 'ala dinik'

dan kerana sayang pada tarbiyah ini
aku kena jugak protect and bloom what I have today

bila bercakap dengan orag tanah seberang
semua orang ada struggle masing-masing

aku selalu rasa best nya korang ada sumber tarbiyah
tapi sebenarnya kalau hati kita mati
duduk sebelah sumber tarbiyah pun tak memberi makna apa-apa

aku belajar satu benda sepanjang aku berjalan, merangkak, berlari etc

jangan pernah berhenti bertanya pada diri
'kenapa aku masih ada disini?'

biar hati berbicara
dan kau akan tahu di mana kau berada

orang yang tidak sedar diri tengah sesat
takkan bother pun nak cari jalan keluar

tarbiyah adalah hadiah dari Allah yang paling berharga
bukan mudah nak mendapat tarbiyah

setiap titik peluh untuk mencari tarbiyah
itulah yang akan bawa kita kepada apa yang kita cari


aku harap diri aku tidak lupa
di saat ini hanya satu harapan yang aku tanam
hidup aku terhenti di saat jiwa aku lapang menerima tarbiyah dari Allah


dan untuk akhawat yang sedang berjuang di bumi berbeza
kalau selama ini semua menasihati untuk terus melangkah
aku harap kita semua basirah ke arah mana kita menuju


Corcaigh
050217


ps: hayaa' means hidup dan malu..

email

dulu tahap benci tengok notification emails kat ipad and phone

takde kerja lain asyik bersihkan inbox

haha

tapi tu dulu

tadi bersihkan inbox, selepas setahun dan beribu emails tak penting tersimpan

terjumpa satu email penting dari seorang kakak yang sangat aku hormati

aku ingat aku dapat email tu

tapi tak ingat membaca dengan penuh perasaan

so I decided to read it, again..

baca dengan perlahan

sebab aku yakin ada sebab setiap ayat ditulis

hehs

lepas baca taktahu nak ada perasaan apa

tapi itulah pandangan manusia pada aku rupanya

merasakan diri tahu banyak

takmahu menunggu dan berjalan bersama dengan yang lain

meninggalkan ukhwah kerana ego

lari dari masalah dan tak mahu bersama menyelesaikan

and the list goes on...

Allahu..

banyak khilaf aku sebagai seorang hamba

mungkin sebab aku jarang meluahkan perasaan aku yang sebenar

siapa sahaja yang tahu

aku takut saat perlu membuat keputusan

aku takut andai tersalah memilih jalan

aku takut memulakan langkah baru

sebab manusia hanya melihat

aku sebagai orang yang kuat, lantang, tak kisah manusia sekeliling

siapa sahaja yang tahu

setiap perasaan yang perlu dikorbankan

setiap rindu yang terpaksa dipendam

setiap sayang yang tidak terluah

kerana ku lah manusia yang paling lemah

aku lah hamba yang paling tak mengetahui

aku lah yang tak punya hikmah, kefahaman mahupun pengalaman

kerana aku tidak punya apa

aku pernah cuba mengambil semua yang aku perlu

tapi aku kira satu sifat dunia, kita tak mampu memiliki semua yang kita mahu

tapi kita perlu memilih

dan segalanya terserah kepada Allah

untuk mengizinkan setiap pilihan yang dibuat

dearest future-self,

stay strong

sikit je lagi perjuangan dekat dunia

nak balik jumpa Allah dengan ada ahsanu 'amala kan..

dearest you (whoever you are),

moga Allah sentiasa tautkan hati kita di atas perjuangan aqidah ini

walau banyak khilaf seorang aku

yang mungkin saja membebankan harakah dakwah ini

moga Allah ampunkan khilaf aku

tiada daya dan upaya seorang hamba

melainkan dengan penuh harap dan takut

memohon agar Alla sentiasa mendekatkan kebaikan buat kita

dan menjauhkan al-hawa' yang menyimpangkan hati ini

hati ini milikmu ya Allah..

nothingness bring nothing

Currently I am in Tutorial Block

Basically I have got only tutorials. And Monday is off-day for us.

So today I decided to come to the city, have a cup of coffee while finishing my FYP write-up.

Actually it's just because everything going slow for me. I mean, I did nothing over the weekend. Quiet unhappy with myself right now. So I took the bus to town and now at least, I managed to add hundreds of words in my write up. :p

It feels good to sit in the cafe and overlook the city, the people.

I shall do this more often (tapi most of the time too lazy to go out)


I am going to leave in 4 months time, insyaAllah
I really hope that I could graduate on time

I think it's the time for me to go home
even though I am too afraid to go home
frightened by the busy waqi' and very qawiyy akhawat hehe

therefore, I really need to catch up on many things

need to study hard
need to graduate on time
need to leave some marks before bfg
need to answer why I am committing myself to DnT
need to revise all bahan usrah and daurah

so basically I have loads on my plate

but instead, I become one lazy human
and do nothing
but keep checking on cheap ticket for summer break!

Seriously I need to wake myself up so I realized I have no time!

So this morning I have a cup of coffee,
which is very unusual for me (I only drink tea!)

Then I get palpitations
and my brain work very fast

haha

Up to this second, I managed to do write up some more

and wasting time writing here some more

haihh

Just had a sip pf coffee
have 1/10 in the mug to be finished

will surely miss the smell of coffee soon
coffee so mahal in Malaysia why lah

nikmat rasa

I always wrote about the downside of my life in here
it's not because there's nothing happy to be shared
but most of the my happy times, I got to spent times with people
that I always forgot to share

as I count
there's not much time left for me
to live here, in Ireland, in Cork to be specific

I rant a lot about living here

but as I get myself to reflect on it

many things happened here

get to know many great awesome people here
was first diagnosed sick here
loving medicine here
feeling lonely, here as well

haha like a roller coster yes?

I gave up with DnT once
but Allah never get tired of choosing me
despite all my alasan errday haha

So, since a lot of things happened here
it turned me into someone that's very secretive

I kept everything to myselff
all people can see is the happy me

I did not express my gratitude towards the people who keep supporting me
even though deep inside I am too blessed to have them in my life

so yesterday I decided to confess to my usrahmates
haha sebab penat dah simpan sensorang
and I think I will regret one day if I don't

I told them how much I appreciate their presence
I apologize for my wrong doings
I keep avoiding from being their good friend
I backed off when I started to be close with them

as expected, you were hurt
but I told them, I feel it too

So here I am
ready to be better, again

once gain, let me try

and they accept me, again

I love you girls to the moon and back

hehs

dearest partener in crime,
thank you
for understanding
and not giving up with me
we can do this, ok?
(walaupun sy selalu macam fikir negative macam get lost ke whatevr, I still hope both of us jadi qawiyy very soon hehe)

dearest adiks galway,
I am more than happy to be your 'kakak'
sorry for not treating you as adik before
and keep avoiding your call

dearest ukhti qawiyy,
sorry selalu geram dengan awak
hahah


so, 4 months to go
let's revise!

Malaysia,
wait for me,


might not return as dayah Z, but a new me won't get you dissapointed I hope hehe

2nd day of school

2nd day of school and I am still going slow

too lazy

hehs


3 months to go to final exam
hopefully I pass

then, hello malaysia

I have been longing for you since forever --'