Friday, January 26, 2018

Unseen Hurricane

There's time I cried the whole day
for the reason, even I, could not describe

Somehow I blame the steroid

I have been diagnosed with progressive SLE

I was not upset at first
I thought I was fine
I mean, only the diagnosis name changed right
I'm still the same

but of course I was wrong (Yes I was always wrong)

"We need extra vigilance to avoid lupus nephritis or cerebral lupus" -Dr A-

I kept replaying her words in my mind

I read a lot, later, especially on cerebral lupus. It is damn serious. I just get the fact right. If I started to have any of the symptoms, that means the end of my not-even-started career, doctor.

I know I shouldn't worry of the things that's out of my control, But how can I be so ignorant about my own well being? Or should I?

With every chaos I'd to face everyday, I chose not to tell others. But it hurts, especially when nobody see your struggle taking even a step forward. Oh yes, I am so good with a faked smile. Everyone bought with that faked smile. With that I looked strong, healthy, cheerful, and very positive.

because they couldn't see the unseen hurricane in my heart


Since I quit usrah
Many contacted me, maybe to get me into usrah again

I am happy to reply their text, as a friend

But is is very stressful when everyone tried too hard to preach me

I mean, we've been lost in contact for quiet some time
then suddenly you came and suggest me to join usrah, again

I don't get it. Sorry.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate their presence. But, wouldn't it be wiser to acknowledge the problem before rushing to you-think-that's-the-best solution?


Sunday, November 19, 2017

6 months in a blog post

I officially graduated Medicine last May
Alhamdulillah :)

Left Ireland as soon as I graduated
my heart sank, tears tank exploded

I miss Ireland


I thought living in Malaysia wouldn't be this hard
There are way more to be sacrificed

I mean when I was in Ireland,
I only have to think about myself
if I was tired or feeling down or whatever that was

but here, as the eldest, I couldn't put my family aside in every decision I made
I have to be with them, supporting them, especially when they need me, the so-called the only doctor in the family

to cut it short
I can't give commitment towards usrah, DnT

I gave up
eventually :(


Since I am loaded with time at the moment
It makes me wonder if I'd took different paths beforehand

I might have more friends
I might have good memories of UKE
I might not be the same

I might still trying to commit

I might not be the same

But I have no chance to turn back time
and yet if I have the chance,  I still could not figure out which path should I take

So I think this has to be my midlife crisis

Welcoming myself to adulthood


I have witnessed how blessed Arwah Dr Atik's life
I never knew him personally, even never met him in person

I only came to heard his name when he was sick
He was in comma due to brain hge 2nd to ruptured AVM

Everyone went to Ipoh just to support him and his family
especially those knowing him since in UK (He studied medicine there)

He was pronounced death a few days after the surgery

and after that
people came from every part of Malaysia to visit his family
Everyone prayed for him
and so many people be his witness of how much he has contributed for ummah

If I am to die now

I think I will be nothing but burden to those alive
I have no one, except my family, to pray for me

Up until today
I still could not stop thinking how my death day would look like


I really hope I could be a good servant of Allah

Alor Lintang

Sunday, May 7, 2017

mixed feeling

sekarang ni mixed feeling habis

taksabar nak habis exam
2 clinical exams je lagi
moga Allah luluskan ujian sekolah perubatan ni


at the same time

sedih nak tinggal Ireland

semalam masa qadhaya usrah

"saya sedih nak balik. I feel belong to this place"

huu semua senyap.

"tapi Malaysia lagi best awak. hehs. takpun awak stay jelah teman akak"

"saya tak apply kerja sini pun akak"

sebab aku tahu aku rasa lagi belong pada tempatni
aku takut terlekat kat sini
sedangkan aku tahu aku perlu balik

haha. kira nak kurangkan option lah
so that aku tak pening sorang-sorang

haa kan sekarang dah sedih

insyaAllah 3 minggu je lagi duduk Cork

lepas tu taktahu lah bila lagi boleh tengok Cork
boleh tengok CUH
boleh jalan-jalan cork city

aci nak nangis bila teringat aku akan rindukan tempat  ni

ahah dah masuk fasa cengeng

cork ni special kat hati aku
tempat jatuh bangun semua kat sini
tempat ak belajr jadi matang sikit

tempat yang jadi saksi
aku berubah luar dan dalam

kat sini aku bina himmah aliyah
dan kat sini jugak aku jatuh sebawah-bawahnya

dan aku mula bangun balik pada tahun akhir pun
kat atas tanah ini jugak

I tell myself

dear awak,
nanti masuk syurga
boleh mintak je dgn Allah
boleh mintak nak duduk cork forever


masuk syurga prioriti sekarang, okay?

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Liver biopsy done 2 days ago
I was knocked out by the effect of midazolam
I was asleep yesterday, without myself realizing it to happen

and by now I could still feel the dizziness effect of midaz


2 days before exam
and all I can do is sleeping

and even when I open my eyes
all I can do is feeling nauseous

serius taktahu macam mana orang buat c-sect boleh survive
cut kecik pun rasa taksabar nak tunggu heal completely

rasa macam dah gatal sebab dressing ni

without treatment, 50% of AIH patients die within 5 years
(so gonna take all tx seriously this time around!)

kepala aku kira-kira
agak-agak kalau lah tak termasuk dalam 50% tu pun
mungkin lah paling-paling double life expectancy another 50% patients tu kan

kalau betullah ada 10 tahun je lagi nak hidup atas dunia ni
macam mana nak buat biar boleh masuk syurga ek?

dengan dosa 25 tahun lepas yang tinggi menggunung

and my heart answered,
by stop worrying
and continue worshipping Allah



setiap saat pun benih ke syurga kan?

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Final exam officially started today, with Paeds OSCE

I wasn't really prepared to be honest
I was exhausted by my own thought perhaps
distracted by tense that just arrived right before exam


So basically too many things went wrong recently
Especially my health condition

I am fine, I am fine
just that the blood and body doesn't seems fine

That my liver has to be biopsied tomorrow

tomorrow yes
and next 3 days I will have my written exammsss

5 tahun duduk Ireland ni jadi tak pandai nak express pulak
tak pandai nak nangis
tak pandai nak relieve stress kot

pendam sampai takde perasaan

tapi action nampak sangat tengah tak betul
tidur 14 jam sehari

sah tak betul

walaupun doktor cakap tu sebab penat sebab sakit

tapi aku still rasa tu psychology aku yang tak betul


takut nya.

taktahu nak describe macam mana takut tu

dear self,
stop being cengeng please
jangan nangis

this, too, shall pass

corcaigh 140417

moga redha ya hati