Sunday, May 7, 2017

mixed feeling

sekarang ni mixed feeling habis

taksabar nak habis exam
2 clinical exams je lagi
moga Allah luluskan ujian sekolah perubatan ni

tapi

at the same time

sedih nak tinggal Ireland

semalam masa qadhaya usrah

"saya sedih nak balik. I feel belong to this place"

huu semua senyap.

"tapi Malaysia lagi best awak. hehs. takpun awak stay jelah teman akak"

"saya tak apply kerja sini pun akak"

sebab aku tahu aku rasa lagi belong pada tempatni
aku takut terlekat kat sini
sedangkan aku tahu aku perlu balik

haha. kira nak kurangkan option lah
so that aku tak pening sorang-sorang


haa kan sekarang dah sedih

insyaAllah 3 minggu je lagi duduk Cork

lepas tu taktahu lah bila lagi boleh tengok Cork
boleh tengok CUH
boleh jalan-jalan cork city

aci nak nangis bila teringat aku akan rindukan tempat  ni

ahah dah masuk fasa cengeng


cork ni special kat hati aku
tempat jatuh bangun semua kat sini
tempat ak belajr jadi matang sikit

tempat yang jadi saksi
aku berubah luar dan dalam

kat sini aku bina himmah aliyah
dan kat sini jugak aku jatuh sebawah-bawahnya

dan aku mula bangun balik pada tahun akhir pun
kat atas tanah ini jugak

I tell myself

dear awak,
nanti masuk syurga
boleh mintak je dgn Allah
boleh mintak nak duduk cork forever

hehe

masuk syurga prioriti sekarang, okay?



Saturday, April 15, 2017

Liver biopsy done 2 days ago
I was knocked out by the effect of midazolam
I was asleep yesterday, without myself realizing it to happen

and by now I could still feel the dizziness effect of midaz

ngehs

2 days before exam
and all I can do is sleeping

and even when I open my eyes
all I can do is feeling nauseous


serius taktahu macam mana orang buat c-sect boleh survive
cut kecik pun rasa taksabar nak tunggu heal completely

rasa macam dah gatal sebab dressing ni


without treatment, 50% of AIH patients die within 5 years
(so gonna take all tx seriously this time around!)

kepala aku kira-kira
agak-agak kalau lah tak termasuk dalam 50% tu pun
mungkin lah paling-paling double life expectancy another 50% patients tu kan

kalau betullah ada 10 tahun je lagi nak hidup atas dunia ni
macam mana nak buat biar boleh masuk syurga ek?

dengan dosa 25 tahun lepas yang tinggi menggunung


and my heart answered,
by stop worrying
and continue worshipping Allah

hewhew
hikhok


baiklah
baiklah

setiap saat pun benih ke syurga kan?


Thursday, April 13, 2017

Final exam officially started today, with Paeds OSCE

I wasn't really prepared to be honest
I was exhausted by my own thought perhaps
distracted by tense that just arrived right before exam

blerghh

So basically too many things went wrong recently
Especially my health condition

I am fine, I am fine
just that the blood and body doesn't seems fine

That my liver has to be biopsied tomorrow

tomorrow yes
and next 3 days I will have my written exammsss


5 tahun duduk Ireland ni jadi tak pandai nak express pulak
tak pandai nak nangis
tak pandai nak relieve stress kot

pendam sampai takde perasaan

tapi action nampak sangat tengah tak betul
tidur 14 jam sehari

wth
sah tak betul

walaupun doktor cakap tu sebab penat sebab sakit

tapi aku still rasa tu psychology aku yang tak betul

blerghh


takut nya.
takut
takut
takut


taktahu nak describe macam mana takut tu

dear self,
stop being cengeng please
kuat
jangan nangis

this, too, shall pass


corcaigh 140417

moga redha ya hati


Monday, April 3, 2017

ukhwah

Gaahhh I just feel like writing right now

This afternoon somebody decided to re-open old discussion group, randomly
which made me realized how much I miss them

They are far from me, as we obviously separated by distance
we rarely text or talk to each other
but when we do, it is always about important things in life haha

life, decision
the thing that bring us close

hehs.


takkan lupa kot

"betul ke kita nak buat ni?"

"betul. jom buka peta UK"

"jom search kat fb"

but life is never easy right?
life hit us hard, straight on our face


"maybe Allah wants us to learn the hard way"


simple
but whenever I started to give up
I always tell myself, 'Allah is teaching me the hard way. Hold on. Hold on'

I remembered one of NAK talk,
"we are on our journey to reach Allah's blessing (redha). We are not perfect, that's why Allah said it is a journey. Nobody will reach the perfection as His servant. and He only asks us to die on this path/journey"

So this is definitely a very long journey
we may part away, as we decided the thing we want in life

"Awak jangan lupa saya. Balik Malaysia nanti bagitahu kalau ada projek"

I couldn't promise about whatever project you are talking about. But I promise to not forget you (That's one of the reason I am writing right now)

whatever happen, wherever you are
the three of you, are too dear to my heart

"Akak, sekarang tinggal kita dua je. sedih"

"Tak, mana ada. They are still with us. Separated by distance, tapi ruh masih bersatu,dalam doa"


Dalam doa, mereka masih ada bersama aku


"Akak, sekarang saya nak tinggal akak sorang je ni haha"

"Takpe doa kan ada"

tapi, sekarang, kadang-kadang
rasa jelah sorang-sorang haha


Unfortunately all four of us are not expressive :p

Jumpa kat syurga, sis!

Fateh. Galway. Leicester. Surrey. Essex. London. Sabah
Costa Stansted Airport. Costa Cork
Cafe dalam Eason, Dublin

semoga mereka menjadi saksi
gundah gelana hati dan fikiran
yang banyak bercelaru daripada tenang


#8daystofinal #KakAnacomingsoon #mayAllaheases

Untuk mereka yang aku bertemu di atas jalan dakwah ini
moga kita terus sabar dan thabat di perbatasan masing-masing

Thursday, March 30, 2017

thing to be grateful for

I have been blessed with good health since last winter break

I might not be able to reach the baseline of my health condition
but I'm fine, doing very well, able to smile
even though there were some spikes here and there
but they were minors hehe

however, my blood doesn't seems to agree with me
they went haywire for these past 2 months
my liver enzymes go up as if I drink alcohol!

after changing of medication here and there,
they still don't want to go down
*sigh*

but I am so grateful to have a good doctor here

I remembered her calling me when I was in Portugal
to make sure I am fine since my blood doesn't looks good
She kept bugging me with her text to make sure I understand all management plan
and I feel so thankful to have such a committed doctor taking care of me
who willingly came to hospital on her off-day to see me
the most patient doctor trying to reach me (since I always silent my phone)

and so much more
weh balik Malaysia nanti mesti takde dah doktor baik macam ni

k ada je lah masa-masa yang geram
since She's not a native english speaker
sometimes she explained things dramatically, way tooo dramaticc

There is one time when she want to push me to find my future doctor in Malaysia
"You really have to find it now!"
"Okay I will" (dengan muka bersahaja yg mungkin tak convince kan dia)
"If you get flares up again you can die! So I want you to have a doctor as soon as you reach Malaysia!"

terus muka aku pun terpana
dan mengangguk dengan penuh convincing

hailaaa

walaupun dalam hati, "takdelah sampai mati kot"

She always think that I am worried about myself
when I am actually not.. at all

so actually she worried about me, more

"I will keep your number. Anything happen, call me straight away, even on weekend. I am not oncall but I am in Cork. Call me okay, call me"

"why do you use private number? I need to recognize your number when you call me"

pun boleh.

hahah,
aku selalu amused dengan kerisauan dia.


walaupun masa mula-mula transferred to her (sebab my consultant maternal leave)
I was like.. "nak previous consultant!!"

haha

She is god-sent
might not be someone close to me
but she basically knows everything about me though hehe

alhamdulillah for every single thing

finals in 2 weeks time
may Allah eases
moga lepas insyaAllah :)