Unseen Hurricane

There's time I cried the whole day
for the reason, even I, could not describe

Somehow I blame the steroid

I have been diagnosed with progressive SLE

I was not upset at first
I thought I was fine
I mean, only the diagnosis name changed right
I'm still the same

but of course I was wrong (Yes I was always wrong)

"We need extra vigilance to avoid lupus nephritis or cerebral lupus" -Dr A-

I kept replaying her words in my mind


I read a lot, later, especially on cerebral lupus. It is damn serious. I just get the fact right. If I started to have any of the symptoms, that means the end of my not-even-started career, doctor.

I know I shouldn't worry of the things that's out of my control, But how can I be so ignorant about my own well being? Or should I?

With every chaos I'd to face everyday, I chose not to tell others. But it hurts, especially when nobody see your struggle taking even a step forward. Oh yes, I am so good with a faked smile. Everyone bought with that faked smile. With that I looked strong, healthy, cheerful, and very positive.

because they couldn't see the unseen hurricane in my heart

********************************************


Since I quit usrah
Many contacted me, maybe to get me into usrah again

I am happy to reply their text, as a friend

But is is very stressful when everyone tried too hard to preach me

I mean, we've been lost in contact for quiet some time
then suddenly you came and suggest me to join usrah, again

I don't get it. Sorry.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate their presence. But, wouldn't it be wiser to acknowledge the problem before rushing to you-think-that's-the-best solution?




Upset
26012018