Wednesday, June 22, 2016

17 Ramadhan

I feel better today
at least for half day
before the high temperature struck me again


I went home early today
I was shivering
so I put 2 duvets over my body
I hope to have heater at that moment

so as I get up from the bed
the whole room is spinning around me
I thought it's just because I sleep a lot
then I take wudhu' and pray

but my head started to feel heavier
now not the room is spinning
but i feel like I was spinning so hard

so I lay my body on the bed
I could hear my heart beating
the breathes sound so fast
and the chest started to tighten

then I remembered the novel I read last few weeks
actually it is true story

"When Breath Become Air" by Paul Kalanithi

it was a good read
it reminds me a lot about death

as a medical student/profesionals
I do take oxygen for granted

hehe I mean, everytime the doctor asked us about emergency intervention
the first thing we would answer is giving oxygen thearpy

as if it's nothing
and it's so cheap

but for those in need
one litre of oxygen means everything
it gives life, hope and more time

today when I was gasping for breath
that's how I value oxygen

after all the dramas
and inner conflict to buka puasa or not
I decided to buka puasa earlier, 3 hours earlier
at least before I collapse and menyusahkan orang

now I am gaining energy I guess
still not able to walk around
but I have to write this
so that I always remember how precious every little thing around me

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

16 Ramadhan

So it has been 16 days of fasting here

I haven't been writing because of health problem
basically health issue is the main problem I have to face during this ramadhan

too tired to write

may I gain the best of this ramadhan


Tuesday, June 14, 2016

5-8 Ramadhan

Menyepi seketika

bila Allaah uji dengan ujian kesihatan..


lembik beberapa hari
telan makanan semua pahit
memang telan buat syarat sebab bukak puasa dan sahur je

dahlah weekend
bukan main plan nak pergi mizen head

sekali Allah tiup ujian sikit
dah terjelepuk atas katil sepanjang hari

tapi lembik pun Allah bagi jugak kesempatan bukak puasa kat masjid

menarik sangat bukak puasa dengan segala macam manusia ni

tapi paling menarik seorang makcik ni
taktahu lah bangsa apa
kalau dengar dia cakap dengan anak dia pun takleh detect bahasa apa

haritu dia datang lambat sikit dari semua orang
tapi sampai je terus salam dengan semua orang dan berlumba  nak bagi salam dulu kepada semua orang

masyaAllah hebat sangat jiwa dia
betapa sifat Rasulullah tu hidup dalam diri dia

dan aku hanya mampu memerhati
konon introvert

kalau lah faham islam memerlukan kita untuk hidup bersama semua yang lain

mengapa masih bersandar di tepi

Thursday, June 9, 2016

4 Ramadhan

harini dah start coping well with fasting

so today I join the ward round with Prof MC
we went to meet few myeloma patients
they basically have few months to live

so she discuss with us about 'balance'

as an example
for extremely anaemic patients
we need to prescribe blood transfusion, regularly
it can cause iron overload

theoretically we can give Iron chelating therapy

but for patients with less hope to continue the battle
we tend to not give any therapy
because each therapy comes with side effects

she said,

"this is terminal illness.. well actually this life is something terminal too"

life is something terminal too

like the terminal illnesses
just few more moments to end

and we always hope for our life to end peacefully

I realized how everyon wants to end this life peacefully
that's the main reason of the presence of palliative care medicine

tapi eventually sape yg dapat keredhaan Allah je yg akan RIP.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

3 Ramadhan

it has been 3 days of 19 hours fasting

last night we had big group of people breaking fast together
Actually I don't expect it to happen
So I did not really prepare for it

as I am an introvert, having a crowd of people without myself prepare for it is something SCARRYY

So when the are too many people
that there is no space to put even half of my body
I decided to go upstairs to pray

I thought I was okay
but my friend noticed my hand shaking (tremor)
they thought I was having hypoglycaemia
so they gave me big glass of sirap bandung

but I don't think I was hypoglycaemic or anaemic
but the tremor caused by anxiety of the crowd
then I decided not to go for tarawih in masjid

I will do it myself at home

that day was too hectic
I think I need some time to be alone,
me and Allah


So after tarawih and finishing my tilawah
I sat alone to reflect on my attitude

I remembered the lesson learnt in previous usrah

daie lives at the centre of ummah
which means there is no way to be a da'ie without living with the crowd
there should be no anxiety seeing people
because da'ie lives with people anyway

so once we become a da'ie, 24 hours of our time are not ours
ummah owns them all
including our energy, money, and ourselves (soul)

I think I still have 2 separate life
DnT life and the other 'abnormal' life


Now I have to comfort myself with wise words...

dear self,
I know I am far from being a mukminin
nor being a true muslim

but I am on my way towards it

one day, I hope to have only one life
DnT life

and other things will be with in it as well


I want to write a diary for the whole month of ramadhan. Previous days I wrote in facebook but I think it is too public that people can make lawak out of it anytime they want

this diary is for myself. I may not become 'me' anymore after this. However I hope everytime reading this diary it will remind me how I want to be the best at Allah's sight