Wednesday, June 8, 2016

3 Ramadhan

it has been 3 days of 19 hours fasting

last night we had big group of people breaking fast together
Actually I don't expect it to happen
So I did not really prepare for it

as I am an introvert, having a crowd of people without myself prepare for it is something SCARRYY

So when the are too many people
that there is no space to put even half of my body
I decided to go upstairs to pray

I thought I was okay
but my friend noticed my hand shaking (tremor)
they thought I was having hypoglycaemia
so they gave me big glass of sirap bandung

but I don't think I was hypoglycaemic or anaemic
but the tremor caused by anxiety of the crowd
then I decided not to go for tarawih in masjid

I will do it myself at home

that day was too hectic
I think I need some time to be alone,
me and Allah


So after tarawih and finishing my tilawah
I sat alone to reflect on my attitude

I remembered the lesson learnt in previous usrah

daie lives at the centre of ummah
which means there is no way to be a da'ie without living with the crowd
there should be no anxiety seeing people
because da'ie lives with people anyway

so once we become a da'ie, 24 hours of our time are not ours
ummah owns them all
including our energy, money, and ourselves (soul)

I think I still have 2 separate life
DnT life and the other 'abnormal' life


Now I have to comfort myself with wise words...

dear self,
I know I am far from being a mukminin
nor being a true muslim

but I am on my way towards it

one day, I hope to have only one life
DnT life

and other things will be with in it as well


I want to write a diary for the whole month of ramadhan. Previous days I wrote in facebook but I think it is too public that people can make lawak out of it anytime they want

this diary is for myself. I may not become 'me' anymore after this. However I hope everytime reading this diary it will remind me how I want to be the best at Allah's sight

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