please dream, don't stop

I met many people throughout this winter break

I get to know my usrahmates
even I think just this past weeks I get to really know the person whom I close with

and I get to welcome new people into my life too

Lisbon had been amazing!
the trip would be one unforgettable event of my life

Allah sent us Aten
She inspires me a lot!

Thank you
for everything
for keep telling me to dream

we barely knew each other
but it seems like knowing you for the whole year ady hehe

tak ramai yang tahu aku macam dah give up untuk have dream
kadang-kadang aku pun lupa yang aku takde dream dah

Banyak nangis bila aten dah nak balik
sebab takut lupa lagi to dream high

hehs

and afikah dah nak bfg jugak

I could not imagine how usrah will be without her haha
surely I will be the most attentive listener ever
cause nobody will kacau-ing me
and trying to say something just by giving 'that' look
which distracted me as I tried to understand her 'eyes' message

hehe

I had this one belief
we should not have best friend

but Allah borrowed me one of His hamba
to be my best friend kejap

she will be leaving very soon
and as usual I'm not good with saying words

but I surely paling terasa kehilangan kejap hehs

4 bulan je lagi nak bfg Hidayah
please bring the best out of it

nanti menyesal padan muka haha

3 dec

It has been 2 months since I wrote my last post
a lot og things happened in the past 2 months
all of them deserves a place in this blog
it's just me not having enough time (sbb aku banyak mengarut sampai habis masa)

Cork has lost its 'homie' feeling
I miss the old one

k mengarut

I remembered sembang-sembang with Kak S last weekend
she asked my opinion,
"why people leave?"

and I said
because the enjoyment of doing it 'hilang'

she nodded

*senyap*

actually it was based on my own experience

I wrote somewhere last year
I almost leave (haha dah bagitahu murabbi pun)

because I did not find it enjoyful
because I have to sacrifice a lot
especially my own feeling

but my murabbi reminds me about Nabi Nuh
tak best okay bila you preach but people sampai sembunyi sebab taknak dengar
that what happened to Nabi Nuh
but He never stopped!

because he did it atas dasar ketaatan
bukan sebab enjoy buat

muhasabah balik few years in tarbiyah
mungki tak secara indirect buat sebab orang
but I do enjoy ada akhawat yang baik sekeliling
ada kawan, ada teman, at least tak rasa sensorang
(walaupun kadang-kadang gaduh)

hihi


when I have the strength to do what I think I supposed to do
I did it

mula-mula tak rasa sakit
tapi sakit tu datang bila you want to go back to the routine

but you just not belong there

fly

fly away


hahahaha

I don't know if the future-me would understand this

but hey future-me!
you have been trough a lot to reach today

appreciate the chances you get

appreciate.



ps: kalau futur memang lah rasa sensorang sebab iman tak bersatu dengan alam :(

since last week I started to fall sick again
all they symptoms came even though I took my meds everyday
I have no clue what to do in such situation

all I do
take paracetamol
for fever and joint pain and muscle pain

hoping it works
most of the time, it doesn't

in the bus to Galway on last Friday
I came across Mas Afzal's blog again
I knew him through his blog after he passed awayy
he is such an inspiration

survived med school while fighting against cancer

last time I read his blog,
I appreciate nothing he write about his condition

but now I feel everything he wrote in his blog

I could still remember all the testing done
multiple kind of blood test, twice daily (at least)
x-rays here and there, echocardiogram some more
drinking a jug of contrast water for CT scan

of course I will never forget
the first time I get into the CT scanner
the big thing looked like it's going to swallow me
also when they bring me on the wheelchair
to the biopsy room for FNA

sakit tahu tak FNA tu!

and the 'berdebar' feeling
to actually know what had happened to me
as they said they have to rule out lymphoma too
even though it looks more like auto-immune

I remembered myself acting so cool condition
as they blurted out their impressions about my
but as I talked to my parents via facetime
I cried and thats all I did
no words could described how I felt

many people came to me since then
even up until today
just to tell how strong I am

deep in my heart, I denied
because I am obviously too weak

people close to me surely knows
how much I cried at night for the pain
how I could not handle chill and rigors that I looked terrible
how fragile I am when the temperature spiked, out of nowhere

I remembered how umi was so worried looking at me
when I go back to Mys for summer break

when it flares up
nothing I could do except lying on bed
even I need umi and ayah's help to get out of bed
because myalgia hit me hard that I could not even use my muscle to support myself

I cried reading all of arwah Mas Afzal's post
then i questioned myself
why did you cry?

Are you afraid of death?

Everyone will die eventually
why are you afraid of death?

kind of worried about myself
is it because I afraid of death?


2 months to go until next appointmennt
I hope they won't forced me to driink that contrast drink again
I hope not to have FNA ever again
I hope they won't tied me on the ward bed ever again

everything starts with hope

I hope to not afraid of death
but anticipating for it instead
so I can meet Allah

:)

mesyy life

I haven't get the chance to write about Jaulah Balkan yet

having time constraint to juggle everything
and sometimes (most of the time!) laziness hit me hard
somehow I need to work smart now

I just talked with umi this afternoon
she was calculating how much left before I come home

and I am quiete shocked
because actually I will be having exam in about 6 months
if I pass then i will become a doctor

hell yeah
not a safe on eright now though

I hope to be more competent in  no time
but thats not how life works
in this world, we have to make effort to achieve our goal

so there is no such thing as 'in no time'
hahah

I had my surgery last 2 weeks
I was confident enough actually
but when the examiner came
I get panick attack
and everything goes down the hill!

but after all,
I passes the long case

just that
I didn't achieve  y target
I hope for a first class
but just got pass instead

maybe because I depend on my effort
not on Allah

who knows

must work hard on my relationship with Allah too

till then,
chaiyo myself!

final year

It has been 4 days since school started

hey, I'm in final year now!

another year, then I will be a doctor


i came back very early this year
in the past I usually arrive in Cork on the first day of class
but I was thinking of enjoying each moment of final year the best that I could

I went to Balkan countries
they are lovely

too many things learnt

I really hope I could write a travelog or journal about that jaulah

hoping for more keberkatan masa


insyaAllah

may I graduate on time, too :)

17 Ramadhan

I feel better today
at least for half day
before the high temperature struck me again

kehkeh

I went home early today
I was shivering
so I put 2 duvets over my body
I hope to have heater at that moment



so as I get up from the bed
the whole room is spinning around me
I thought it's just because I sleep a lot
then I take wudhu' and pray

but my head started to feel heavier
now not the room is spinning
but i feel like I was spinning so hard

so I lay my body on the bed
I could hear my heart beating
the breathes sound so fast
and the chest started to tighten

then I remembered the novel I read last few weeks
actually it is true story

"When Breath Become Air" by Paul Kalanithi

it was a good read
it reminds me a lot about death

as a medical student/profesionals
I do take oxygen for granted

hehe I mean, everytime the doctor asked us about emergency intervention
the first thing we would answer is giving oxygen thearpy

as if it's nothing
and it's so cheap

but for those in need
one litre of oxygen means everything
it gives life, hope and more time

today when I was gasping for breath
that's how I value oxygen

after all the dramas
and inner conflict to buka puasa or not
I decided to buka puasa earlier, 3 hours earlier
at least before I collapse and menyusahkan orang


now I am gaining energy I guess
still not able to walk around
but I have to write this
so that I always remember how precious every little thing around me

16 Ramadhan

So it has been 16 days of fasting here

I haven't been writing because of health problem

basically health issue is the main problem I have to face during this ramadhan

too tired to write

may I gain the best of this ramadhan

:)

5-8 Ramadhan

Menyepi seketika

bila Allaah uji dengan ujian kesihatan..

lagi..



lembik beberapa hari
telan makanan semua pahit
memang telan buat syarat sebab bukak puasa dan sahur je

dahlah weekend
bukan main plan nak pergi mizen head

sekali Allah tiup ujian sikit
dah terjelepuk atas katil sepanjang hari

tapi lembik pun Allah bagi jugak kesempatan bukak puasa kat masjid

menarik sangat bukak puasa dengan segala macam manusia ni

tapi paling menarik seorang makcik ni
taktahu lah bangsa apa
kalau dengar dia cakap dengan anak dia pun takleh detect bahasa apa

haritu dia datang lambat sikit dari semua orang
tapi sampai je terus salam dengan semua orang dan berlumba  nak bagi salam dulu kepada semua orang

masyaAllah hebat sangat jiwa dia
betapa sifat Rasulullah tu hidup dalam diri dia


dan aku hanya mampu memerhati
konon introvert

tapi
kalau lah faham islam memerlukan kita untuk hidup bersama semua yang lain

mengapa masih bersandar di tepi

4 Ramadhan

harini dah start coping well with fasting

so today I join the ward round with Prof MC
we went to meet few myeloma patients
they basically have few months to live

so she discuss with us about 'balance'

as an example
for extremely anaemic patients
we need to prescribe blood transfusion, regularly
it can cause iron overload

theoretically we can give Iron chelating therapy

but for patients with less hope to continue the battle
we tend to not give any therapy
because each therapy comes with side effects

she said,

"this is terminal illness.. well actually this life is something terminal too"

life is something terminal too

like the terminal illnesses
just few more moments to end

and we always hope for our life to end peacefully


I realized how everyon wants to end this life peacefully
that's the main reason of the presence of palliative care medicine

tapi eventually sape yg dapat keredhaan Allah je yg akan RIP.

3 Ramadhan

it has been 3 days of 19 hours fasting

last night we had big group of people breaking fast together
Actually I don't expect it to happen
So I did not really prepare for it

as I am an introvert, having a crowd of people without myself prepare for it is something SCARRYY

So when the are too many people
that there is no space to put even half of my body
I decided to go upstairs to pray

I thought I was okay
but my friend noticed my hand shaking (tremor)
they thought I was having hypoglycaemia
so they gave me big glass of sirap bandung

but I don't think I was hypoglycaemic or anaemic
but the tremor caused by anxiety of the crowd
then I decided not to go for tarawih in masjid

I will do it myself at home

that day was too hectic
I think I need some time to be alone,
me and Allah

................................................................

So after tarawih and finishing my tilawah
I sat alone to reflect on my attitude

I remembered the lesson learnt in previous usrah

daie lives at the centre of ummah
which means there is no way to be a da'ie without living with the crowd
there should be no anxiety seeing people
because da'ie lives with people anyway

so once we become a da'ie, 24 hours of our time are not ours
ummah owns them all
including our energy, money, and ourselves (soul)

I think I still have 2 separate life
DnT life and the other 'abnormal' life

T.T

Now I have to comfort myself with wise words...

dear self,
I know I am far from being a mukminin
nor being a true muslim

but I am on my way towards it

one day, I hope to have only one life
DnT life

and other things will be with in it as well


#diariramadhancorcaigh

I want to write a diary for the whole month of ramadhan. Previous days I wrote in facebook but I think it is too public that people can make lawak out of it anytime they want

this diary is for myself. I may not become 'me' anymore after this. However I hope everytime reading this diary it will remind me how I want to be the best at Allah's sight

I have mixed feeling for now
my friend said if I am to make weather forecast based on my feeling
everyday it will be like the Irish weather

LOLs

Thank you buddy!


I have just finished my final exam, if I pass this exam so I will finally be a final year medical student
sound wonderful, don't you think so?
Unfortunately it can't be confirmed by today

I am thinking of starting a new life
but am kind of in doubt
because i afraid of leaving the people that I a comfortable with
and I don't want to hurt them

so maybe I will wait a lil bit
at least to have stronger will

i will be spending my summer in Cork for a month
will be celebrating ramadhan here as well
I couldn't be more than happy welcoming ramadhan soon!
Hope to survive 19 hours of fasting well
without any scar and pain hehe

so i just feel like writing
but i dont really know what to write


counting down to home

hopefully a month will fly by as quickly as possible

future-me,

I am going to have final exam in few days
but I really doubt I will pass them all thought

then I prayed to Allah
I want Allah to help me pass this test

I prepare myself to meet Him
Take wudhu', use new telekung
then I raise my hand high
I want to ask from Him..

but then I could not say anything..

because I did nothing to ask Him anything

I forced myself to ask from Him anyway
because I really could not do anything withut Him
even breathing is impossible

After that I took sometime

to think, perhaps

I know I did nothing this year
I mean, sincerely I did not contribute anything for the deen

I just contemplated a lot
that I refused to take any step

I do take few steps but I gave up
because I don'y want to lend my time, energy, money

even though deep inside I always know they are not mine, never

this is a terrible feeling
because even you could not be the witness for yourself
and when death comes, surely nobody will


T.T


i remembered the moment
when I asked from Allah

" Allah..  I had gave my time and energy for dakwah and tarbiyah.. may You send me your help from every corner of dunya"

It's not that I proud of myself

but right now I feel so shameful with Allah

because I wasted 1 year doing nothing

24 years 1 day old

i know i know I look young at heart :p


So it has been 24 years of living

I had mixed feeling yesterday, for the whole day

thinking of the words from her,
she said that's her present for me

she said...
(actually the Hamza Namira said,)

"Wahai burung dalam sangkar
kau harap untuk terbang melayang
sehingga keadaan semakin baik
menanam butiran benih
yang tumbuh dalam hati yang merdeka
dan meluahkan buah fikiran
sebiji benih bercambah dua
dua puluh, dua ratus,
jutaan, jutaan, jutaan"


I hope to have more life in my days
not just adding days in my life..

Since I was kid
I love to have day-dreaming

masa comot dulu
berangan je nak jadi princess.. kehkeh
typical budak yang anti-social kot

as time goes by
berangan nak jadi neurologist
masa tu ada less than 10 je neurologist kat Malaysia

and when I bumped into tarbiyah
I created another dream
but this time, I dream consciously :p

I hope for jannah
I hope for His redha in every steps I take
I hope to meet Him, soon...

so now is the time of the year
for me to remind myself
focus on your goal
may you leave dunya in the best state of iman

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance

No one stays in love by chance, it is by works

and no one falls out of love by chance,it is by choice"

Alhamdulillah for a beautiful storyline from Allah

membebel

when I was a healthy kid
I belief our mind controls our body

so whenever I get sick like having fever
I will force myself to get up
and act healthy, smile and laugh

and it works, wonderfully


2 years ago
when I started to sick very often
I used the same tricks
but it doesn't work

never ever

that pushed me to seek help


and eventually diagnosed
and currently on medication

 (that make me fat LOLs, hopefully dont turn me into psychotic lady)

for now
I really enjoy the moment of healthy living
I will go running or walking, at least


because I could not expect the future
the 'flare up' moment could struck me anytime

like right now

get rashes, itchy skin, athralgia, myalgia

I hope to have patience facing messy day with itch and pain

to be honest, I gave up many times
too many I tell you, dear future-me

actually just this afternoon I call it a day
I closed the thick book, switch on laptop, watch nonsense videos (while scratching the itchy skin)

somehow Allah never let it happens for long
because I suddenly remember the day I talked to my parents

"Do you want to stop and balik Malaysia for good?"

"No. I can finish this"

and when I was sick in Malaysia,
I even need umi's help to get up from bed
sometimes I shivered where she need to put on me 3 duvets
and she always ask me,

"Betul ke boleh balik Ireland ni?"


and my forever answer is

"InsyaAllah boleh. I can do it"


kahkah
as entittled this is just a bebelan for myself

Dear future-me,
nobody knows what will happen in the future
you might getting worse
or might get healthy again

(like who knows kan)

you know what
I have big hope for myself
to stop whinning (esp when you are sick)
and be patient, like serious patience

and dear self,
this is another important advice
life is short

please don't give up
of being good servant of Allah
yes it would never be easy
but it surely worth all sweat and tears

for jannah kan, to meet Him one fine day insyaAllah


okay okay..

 I could feel the fingers started to get stiff now

be good
you're picked to end your journey

I easily stress myself out recently

just by words, some actions and random photos





I keep running away from everything
get myself busy with medicine


find a reason to smile through patient's words





life is tough
emotionally, emotionally, emotionally,
mentally and physically




since I was kid
ayah taught me to have a dream

and I did

I have many dreams hehe

but I always forget the continuation of ayah's advice;

"but remember, when u hike to the top, maybe just another few steps to reach your dream, you might fall and it hurts. So, dream but don't feel comfortable reaching the endpoint"

this is my second time falling

shattered apart, pieces everywhere

when I was 16

breaking is pain

but I have ayah umi to put myself together again

but for now

I'd only myself

arwah Ki once said,

"Bila terbang tinggi jangan lupa rumput di bawah"

takde kena mengena pun

but his wise words keep playing in my mind

maybe I fall

just so I remember Him

cause I dont want to lose Him

esok PSA exam

dan dan plak nak selsema malam ni


tambah teruk bila facebook update kisah-kisah lama LOLs

dear self.
semua orang dah growing up.
but why did u stop?

dear self.
see hope in yourself.
u gonna make it.

eventually akan mati jugak kan.

moga the end of this path is syurga.


dear self.
know that u're strong.
know that u can walk faster,
even run.

so dear self.
chin up. smile.
keep fighting.



notakaki: dear self, living di tanah gersang is hard. but it surely teaches u something, aite? So look on the bright side eventhough the grass looked greener on the other land.

Nina berjalan pulang seorang diri, sementara teman-teman yang lain sedang bertungkus lumus belajar di perpustakaan hospital. Pemandangan biasa dikalangan pelajar perubatan menjelang peperiksaan akhir.

Sambil berjalan perlahan, Nina hanya tunduk memandang tanah. Angin sejuk yang membelai tidak mampu menarik perhatian Nina untuk menghayati keindahan sekiling. Keserabutan menguasainya, hinggakan seluruh dunia sekeliling terasa hitam kelabu.

Nina mendengus perlahan, tapi cukup kuat untuk didengari sahabat baiknya yang sedang mengekori perlahan di belakang. Satu saat, titik-titik jernih mengalir di pipi. "Ah, cengeng!", keluh Nina. Pada masa yang sama, hujan rintik-rintik Ireland membasahi bumi, turut bercampur dengan butir mutiara dari matanya.

"Nina! Nina! Tunggu aku!", jerit Safiya dari belakang.

"Ah! Macam mana aku boleh tak perasan safiya kat belakang. Nasib baik hujan turun, kalau tak kantoi nangis", getus Nina dalam hati.

"Nina, kau tak dapat lupakan lagi kisah tu?"

"Apa maksud kau?"

"Alah tak payah tipulah Nina. Tengok cara jalan pun dah tahu kau tengah tak betul, kan? Patah hati lagi?"

Soalan Safiya tak berjawab, dibiarkan hilang dibawa angin.

"Nina, let's have a cup of tea somewhere in town... Jomlah! This time its on me!"

Nina menunjukkan muka tak berminat. Kalau ikutkan hati mahu saja menolak ajakan itu. Tapi tak sanggup rasanya memandagkan kawannnya yang seorang ini begitu bersungguh-sungguh mengajaknya keluar. Haa ini lah yang orang-orang tua katakan, ditelan mati mak diluah mati bapak.

Serba salah.

"Hmm boleh lah.. Tapi tak payah lama sangat eh"
"Nice! Alah jangan risau. Nak gi minum tea je bukan nak buat cake"

Mereka berjalan beriringan ke city centre.

Sampai sahaja di bandar kecil itu, mereka menapak masuk ke cafe yang sedikit tersorok. Jauh dari pandangan manusia, sesuai untuk yang mencari sedikit ketenangan.

Tak ramai yang memenuhi cafe, hanya beberapa orang manusia yang mungkin sedang mencari ketenangan seperti dirinya. Kadang-kadang aroma teh England mampu membuatkan seseorang masuk ke dunia fantasi sendiri, yang tidak punya masalah.


"Nina.. kau tahu kan kau boleh share semua benda sengan aku"

"Thanks Yaa.. Yes I know", Nina cuba senyum.

Tapi Safiyah tak mudah tertipu dengan senyuman plastik Nina.

"Nina macam mana hati kau?"

"okay"

"Bila je kau tak okay? Lepas tu nangis sorang-sorang. Tak cool lah macam ni"

Nina tergelak akhirnya.

"Kau tahu defintion patah hati?"

"Tak"

"It is a condition that make u feel nothing neither sad, dissapointed not even angry. u just tired, u don't feel anything"

"Kau tengah... in that condition?"

senyap...

"Nina.. sampai bila?"

senyap lagi...

"Nina. Kau tahu kan, you can't have everything you wish for dekat dunia ni. Mintak kat Allah, kalau tak dapat kat dunia Dia bagi kat syurga"

Nina angkat muka, senyum hambar.

"Yaa.. kau ni drama kan. Aku okay. Cuma.. take time kot nak lupa our wish when we think we're so near to it but suddenly we lost it.. just like that"

"Nina..."

"Ye.."

Safiya senyum nakal.

"Kau dah besar rupanya, dah pandai patah hati dah!", Safiya gelak mengekek.

"LOLS Yaa!"





For everything that was taken away from us, may He replace with something better

After all, there is nothing, our's.





ps: final exam approaching. May He bestow His blessing on us for each effort made.

I have been writing here for almost 8 years

I think my past was described well in here
I could not help myself to not laugh
because of the old writings I made

they are all.. hmm.. kind of memalukan haha

somehow it made me realize I have grown up
maybe not so much
but I am confident to say that I am much better than the old me


hmm..
whenever I have the 'regret' of current life
it must be very helpful to see my past
because I don't want to back to where I was!

hahaha

so kids,
please dont make fun of yourself  by writing useless stuffs
haha

Currently I'm not emotionally stable. There are too many things in my head, all of them concerning about my own future. I guess there is nobody could stop thinking about their own future, right?

At this age, all I could think is who I am in the next 5-10 years. I have never been serious thinking my own future all these while. I know many people advised me, or at least asked me about that, but it never bothered me until I saw many people around me moving forward, taking the first step into the 'grown-up' world. Yes, most of them are the unexpected one. The playful kind of person back in college.

and here I am, the less playful one, still going nowhere.

Living in this world, for a very short time, make me afraid to choose because I will never know what is the best for me. I have approximately a year before I will go back for good. "Bye Ireland and Hye Malaysia!". I obviously not prepared to face a new life in Malaysia. Oh God, I think I will be the forever-alone one in Malaysia, do nothing, be like a robot, having boring life.. and that is all I could think!

So, I told myself, "I am not going back to Malaysia. At least not within a year"

But who said it's easy to stay here. Who's going to feed me anyway haha!

So last weekend I went to meet my friend. I need to tell someone about my worriness. Eventhough I can't tell the whole story- well, there is nobody knowing the whole story of my life. when I said nobody, that means only me knowing what is happening to me, in and out.

So I told her,
" I am not so prepared to go back to Malaysia. It will be very tough. I surely gonna DIE DIE"

"stay then"

"I would if it's possible. But you know with all the restriction on non-EU peeps, I will be very lucky to get a place here"

"Then get yourself first class honours"

urghhh.. if it's that easy right.....

So basically I dont get any answer. And here I am still bothering myself with the same question.



"How do you see yourself in the next 5 years?"


Oh God! I could not think anymore!

I know generally, people would say "I want to have a strong basis of islamic understanding, good career, happy family, cute kids, strong friendship and that's it!"

But I don't know how to put myself to have those things.

yadaa yadaaa I also wants them, just like other human beings.


Okay I think I am rambling a lot in here. Just because this morning I got sick and then this future stuffs get into my dream, and it stucked in my head!


So dear self,
To be honest I don't know what's going to happen to you
Since there are many of my dreams have been broken
It is hard for me to dream a new dream

However dear self,
do know that you are actually make some effort
thinking about your own future
So in the next 5 or 10 years, in whatever condition, please accept yourself
that's the fate, perhaps?
Learn to redha on everything Allah has put on you

and please dont ever forget,
your ultimate dream,
and the dream that nobody could destroy
is to be in Allah's jannah..


so let's work harder to get there, okay?

Don't let it crushed by the things that distract you



Regards,
SNHidayahZ
Jannah's dreamer

(dan yang suka berangan) :p


*walk away*

lowest point

so far, this is my lowest point

hehs.


hujan lebat diluar hanya mampu dipandang dengan linangan air mata. Tubuh kaku terbaring. Tidak bergerak walu seinci. "Ah, mungkin saja dunia ini juga tengah sedih dengan aku", monolog aku sendirian.

hidup di bumi asing. kau hanya mampu bermonolog sendirian. kadang-kadang secara luaran, kadang-kadang dalaman, sebab takkan mampu nak pendam semua rasa hati seorang diri, kan? paling kurang, aku akan mendengus kuat atau melepaskan nafas berat bila ujian menghentak. Bila dah terbuat baru teringat pesan umi, "Nabi tak ajar mendengus macam tu bila ada masalah. Istighfar, ambil wudhu', solat sunat, doa kat Allah. banyak cara orang islam lepaskan rasa hati tahu?"

air mata makin lebat mengalir. walhal air hujan sudah pun berhenti beberapa minit lalu.

Aku bangkit, masih menyelubungi diri di dalam duvet. Aku 'facetime' umi.

Nasib baik umi angkat. Mahu merana anakmu yang jauh di perantauan ini jika tak diangkat.

"Eh, tak pergi sekolah ke kak?"

"Umi, demam. Dah 3 hari tak pergi sekolah. tak makan, tak minum"

mula-mula boleh lah control macho. lepas tu bila ayah dan adik-adik join the call, basah lah pipi.

dan aku dengan perangai buruk suka mengomel, sememangnya menguasai keseluruhan call. eheh.

"Umi, penat umi. sakit lagi. nak exam lagi. geram dgn org lagi (LOLS)"

"Haihh. sabar lah. kenapa tak pergi klinik? tak cukup tu makan panadol je. umi pun baru baik selsema, dalam 11 hari jugaklah duk sakit macamm tu. sebelum tu ayah yang tak sihat. tapi kenalah pergi klinik tu"

banyak lagi lah nasihat umi. sampai habis air mata nak ditumpahkan. nasib baik dah masuk waktu maghrib di tanah sana. Kalau tak mungkin aku akan lagi banyak mengomel. silap hari bulan ayah datang sini bawak aku balik malaysia.

lepas facetime, haruslah sambung baring sampai tertidur. sebelum tu adalah cuba digest nasihat-nasihat umi. sambil fikir bila nak sihat. hehs

masuk waktu zuhur, aku bangun. rasa kuat sikit. walaupun jalan macam orang mabuk. sebab dah 3 hari tak makan. tapi yang paling penting aku rasa aku takdelah down sangat dah kot, hehs.


usai zuhur. aku termenung sekejap. tersenyum sendiri. aku tak pernah lepas ujian sakit yang Allah bagi.

Aku kurang sihat sejak 2 minggu lepas. ups and down, biasalah get infected kat hospital, agak berisiko untuk manusia yang immunedepressed macam aku. Tapi sampai satu tahap, aku mesej kawan baik.

"i want to quit usrah. dakwah. i'm tired"

"*shocked* why so sudden?"

"i'm too tired. i need some space to catch up with my studies"

"ukhti, dekatkan diri dgn Allah. it might be bisikan syaitan"


the first time ever i feel like quitting the TnD stuffs.

walaupun keesokan harinya, ketika aku terbaca post fb seorang ukhti (puisi mungkin) bercerita tentang berpergian kerana merasakan dakwah berat, makin menebal ego aku.

geram.
aku jerit kuat (dalam hati jelah)

"Kau tak pernah tahu apa yang berlaku dalam hidup aku. sedangkan kau di sana masih mampu tersyum di saat ada ukhti yang mengejutkan qiam mu. Kau tak faham jadual hidup aku untuk kau buat general statement macam tu"

sebelum, aku tersedar.

Ah, satu lagi bisikan syaitan...

dan aku sakit lagi...


tapi aku belajar banyak.

aku belajar
ujian akan makin berat, mahu atau tidak aku harus makin kuat
syaitan tak pernah berhenti berusaha, kau yang kena lawan, tapi hati yang dekat dengan Tuhan je mampu lawan


:)

moga Allah masih memilih aku untuk berada dalam kafilah Muhammad ini



p/s: satu lagi yang aku belajar, bestnya takpayah pergi sekolah lols

p/s 2: definitely not my story. sdgn berusaha mengasah bakat menulis. sekrang ni bnyk production baru bukak, bila lagi nak jadi penulis buku kan?

p/s 3: tinggi cita-cita i olls, doakan plis. tapi cita-cita tertinggi haruslah dapat berjumpa dengan Allah dlm keadaan di redhai dan meredhai

glenya

orang kelantan cakap "glenya"
tengah sibuk banyak assignments nilah nak menulis

sebab dah lama sangat tak menulis untuk the-future-aku


banyak sangat belajar
Alhamdulillah Allah tiupkan rahmat
Allah hantarkan pertolongan
Allah hidupkan kembali jiwa yang hampir mati

hehs.


paling nak menangis
bila faham balik
jiwa muslim itu merdeka


tiada apa yang boleh halang kau
dari buat apa yg dekatkan diri pada Allah

nothing



sejak bila jiwa daie restricted by rules manusia?


"mungkin GF untuk para daie sejak khalifah jatuh. They don't just divide the world on map, but they also divide the world in hati da'ie."

"Cause the rise of islam starts within muslim."

"Strengthen the foundation,
then Allah grant us glory."







Dear self,
in the future, if you has less capability to do ahsanu dakwah, please don't stop others from doing so!