24 years 1 day old

i know i know I look young at heart :p


So it has been 24 years of living

I had mixed feeling yesterday, for the whole day

thinking of the words from her,
she said that's her present for me

she said...
(actually the Hamza Namira said,)

"Wahai burung dalam sangkar
kau harap untuk terbang melayang
sehingga keadaan semakin baik
menanam butiran benih
yang tumbuh dalam hati yang merdeka
dan meluahkan buah fikiran
sebiji benih bercambah dua
dua puluh, dua ratus,
jutaan, jutaan, jutaan"


I hope to have more life in my days
not just adding days in my life..

Since I was kid
I love to have day-dreaming

masa comot dulu
berangan je nak jadi princess.. kehkeh
typical budak yang anti-social kot

as time goes by
berangan nak jadi neurologist
masa tu ada less than 10 je neurologist kat Malaysia

and when I bumped into tarbiyah
I created another dream
but this time, I dream consciously :p

I hope for jannah
I hope for His redha in every steps I take
I hope to meet Him, soon...

so now is the time of the year
for me to remind myself
focus on your goal
may you leave dunya in the best state of iman

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance

No one stays in love by chance, it is by works

and no one falls out of love by chance,it is by choice"

Alhamdulillah for a beautiful storyline from Allah

membebel

when I was a healthy kid
I belief our mind controls our body

so whenever I get sick like having fever
I will force myself to get up
and act healthy, smile and laugh

and it works, wonderfully


2 years ago
when I started to sick very often
I used the same tricks
but it doesn't work

never ever

that pushed me to seek help


and eventually diagnosed
and currently on medication

 (that make me fat LOLs, hopefully dont turn me into psychotic lady)

for now
I really enjoy the moment of healthy living
I will go running or walking, at least


because I could not expect the future
the 'flare up' moment could struck me anytime

like right now

get rashes, itchy skin, athralgia, myalgia

I hope to have patience facing messy day with itch and pain

to be honest, I gave up many times
too many I tell you, dear future-me

actually just this afternoon I call it a day
I closed the thick book, switch on laptop, watch nonsense videos (while scratching the itchy skin)

somehow Allah never let it happens for long
because I suddenly remember the day I talked to my parents

"Do you want to stop and balik Malaysia for good?"

"No. I can finish this"

and when I was sick in Malaysia,
I even need umi's help to get up from bed
sometimes I shivered where she need to put on me 3 duvets
and she always ask me,

"Betul ke boleh balik Ireland ni?"


and my forever answer is

"InsyaAllah boleh. I can do it"


kahkah
as entittled this is just a bebelan for myself

Dear future-me,
nobody knows what will happen in the future
you might getting worse
or might get healthy again

(like who knows kan)

you know what
I have big hope for myself
to stop whinning (esp when you are sick)
and be patient, like serious patience

and dear self,
this is another important advice
life is short

please don't give up
of being good servant of Allah
yes it would never be easy
but it surely worth all sweat and tears

for jannah kan, to meet Him one fine day insyaAllah


okay okay..

 I could feel the fingers started to get stiff now

be good
you're picked to end your journey

I easily stress myself out recently

just by words, some actions and random photos





I keep running away from everything
get myself busy with medicine


find a reason to smile through patient's words





life is tough
emotionally, emotionally, emotionally,
mentally and physically




since I was kid
ayah taught me to have a dream

and I did

I have many dreams hehe

but I always forget the continuation of ayah's advice;

"but remember, when u hike to the top, maybe just another few steps to reach your dream, you might fall and it hurts. So, dream but don't feel comfortable reaching the endpoint"

this is my second time falling

shattered apart, pieces everywhere

when I was 16

breaking is pain

but I have ayah umi to put myself together again

but for now

I'd only myself

arwah Ki once said,

"Bila terbang tinggi jangan lupa rumput di bawah"

takde kena mengena pun

but his wise words keep playing in my mind

maybe I fall

just so I remember Him

cause I dont want to lose Him

esok PSA exam

dan dan plak nak selsema malam ni


tambah teruk bila facebook update kisah-kisah lama LOLs

dear self.
semua orang dah growing up.
but why did u stop?

dear self.
see hope in yourself.
u gonna make it.

eventually akan mati jugak kan.

moga the end of this path is syurga.


dear self.
know that u're strong.
know that u can walk faster,
even run.

so dear self.
chin up. smile.
keep fighting.



notakaki: dear self, living di tanah gersang is hard. but it surely teaches u something, aite? So look on the bright side eventhough the grass looked greener on the other land.

Nina berjalan pulang seorang diri, sementara teman-teman yang lain sedang bertungkus lumus belajar di perpustakaan hospital. Pemandangan biasa dikalangan pelajar perubatan menjelang peperiksaan akhir.

Sambil berjalan perlahan, Nina hanya tunduk memandang tanah. Angin sejuk yang membelai tidak mampu menarik perhatian Nina untuk menghayati keindahan sekiling. Keserabutan menguasainya, hinggakan seluruh dunia sekeliling terasa hitam kelabu.

Nina mendengus perlahan, tapi cukup kuat untuk didengari sahabat baiknya yang sedang mengekori perlahan di belakang. Satu saat, titik-titik jernih mengalir di pipi. "Ah, cengeng!", keluh Nina. Pada masa yang sama, hujan rintik-rintik Ireland membasahi bumi, turut bercampur dengan butir mutiara dari matanya.

"Nina! Nina! Tunggu aku!", jerit Safiya dari belakang.

"Ah! Macam mana aku boleh tak perasan safiya kat belakang. Nasib baik hujan turun, kalau tak kantoi nangis", getus Nina dalam hati.

"Nina, kau tak dapat lupakan lagi kisah tu?"

"Apa maksud kau?"

"Alah tak payah tipulah Nina. Tengok cara jalan pun dah tahu kau tengah tak betul, kan? Patah hati lagi?"

Soalan Safiya tak berjawab, dibiarkan hilang dibawa angin.

"Nina, let's have a cup of tea somewhere in town... Jomlah! This time its on me!"

Nina menunjukkan muka tak berminat. Kalau ikutkan hati mahu saja menolak ajakan itu. Tapi tak sanggup rasanya memandagkan kawannnya yang seorang ini begitu bersungguh-sungguh mengajaknya keluar. Haa ini lah yang orang-orang tua katakan, ditelan mati mak diluah mati bapak.

Serba salah.

"Hmm boleh lah.. Tapi tak payah lama sangat eh"
"Nice! Alah jangan risau. Nak gi minum tea je bukan nak buat cake"

Mereka berjalan beriringan ke city centre.

Sampai sahaja di bandar kecil itu, mereka menapak masuk ke cafe yang sedikit tersorok. Jauh dari pandangan manusia, sesuai untuk yang mencari sedikit ketenangan.

Tak ramai yang memenuhi cafe, hanya beberapa orang manusia yang mungkin sedang mencari ketenangan seperti dirinya. Kadang-kadang aroma teh England mampu membuatkan seseorang masuk ke dunia fantasi sendiri, yang tidak punya masalah.


"Nina.. kau tahu kan kau boleh share semua benda sengan aku"

"Thanks Yaa.. Yes I know", Nina cuba senyum.

Tapi Safiyah tak mudah tertipu dengan senyuman plastik Nina.

"Nina macam mana hati kau?"

"okay"

"Bila je kau tak okay? Lepas tu nangis sorang-sorang. Tak cool lah macam ni"

Nina tergelak akhirnya.

"Kau tahu defintion patah hati?"

"Tak"

"It is a condition that make u feel nothing neither sad, dissapointed not even angry. u just tired, u don't feel anything"

"Kau tengah... in that condition?"

senyap...

"Nina.. sampai bila?"

senyap lagi...

"Nina. Kau tahu kan, you can't have everything you wish for dekat dunia ni. Mintak kat Allah, kalau tak dapat kat dunia Dia bagi kat syurga"

Nina angkat muka, senyum hambar.

"Yaa.. kau ni drama kan. Aku okay. Cuma.. take time kot nak lupa our wish when we think we're so near to it but suddenly we lost it.. just like that"

"Nina..."

"Ye.."

Safiya senyum nakal.

"Kau dah besar rupanya, dah pandai patah hati dah!", Safiya gelak mengekek.

"LOLS Yaa!"





For everything that was taken away from us, may He replace with something better

After all, there is nothing, our's.





ps: final exam approaching. May He bestow His blessing on us for each effort made.