future-me,

I am going to have final exam in few days
but I really doubt I will pass them all thought

then I prayed to Allah
I want Allah to help me pass this test

I prepare myself to meet Him
Take wudhu', use new telekung
then I raise my hand high
I want to ask from Him..

but then I could not say anything..

because I did nothing to ask Him anything

I forced myself to ask from Him anyway
because I really could not do anything withut Him
even breathing is impossible

After that I took sometime

to think, perhaps

I know I did nothing this year
I mean, sincerely I did not contribute anything for the deen

I just contemplated a lot
that I refused to take any step

I do take few steps but I gave up
because I don'y want to lend my time, energy, money

even though deep inside I always know they are not mine, never

this is a terrible feeling
because even you could not be the witness for yourself
and when death comes, surely nobody will


T.T


i remembered the moment
when I asked from Allah

" Allah..  I had gave my time and energy for dakwah and tarbiyah.. may You send me your help from every corner of dunya"

It's not that I proud of myself

but right now I feel so shameful with Allah

because I wasted 1 year doing nothing

24 years 1 day old

i know i know I look young at heart :p


So it has been 24 years of living

I had mixed feeling yesterday, for the whole day

thinking of the words from her,
she said that's her present for me

she said...
(actually the Hamza Namira said,)

"Wahai burung dalam sangkar
kau harap untuk terbang melayang
sehingga keadaan semakin baik
menanam butiran benih
yang tumbuh dalam hati yang merdeka
dan meluahkan buah fikiran
sebiji benih bercambah dua
dua puluh, dua ratus,
jutaan, jutaan, jutaan"


I hope to have more life in my days
not just adding days in my life..

Since I was kid
I love to have day-dreaming

masa comot dulu
berangan je nak jadi princess.. kehkeh
typical budak yang anti-social kot

as time goes by
berangan nak jadi neurologist
masa tu ada less than 10 je neurologist kat Malaysia

and when I bumped into tarbiyah
I created another dream
but this time, I dream consciously :p

I hope for jannah
I hope for His redha in every steps I take
I hope to meet Him, soon...

so now is the time of the year
for me to remind myself
focus on your goal
may you leave dunya in the best state of iman

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance

No one stays in love by chance, it is by works

and no one falls out of love by chance,it is by choice"

Alhamdulillah for a beautiful storyline from Allah

membebel

when I was a healthy kid
I belief our mind controls our body

so whenever I get sick like having fever
I will force myself to get up
and act healthy, smile and laugh

and it works, wonderfully


2 years ago
when I started to sick very often
I used the same tricks
but it doesn't work

never ever

that pushed me to seek help


and eventually diagnosed
and currently on medication

 (that make me fat LOLs, hopefully dont turn me into psychotic lady)

for now
I really enjoy the moment of healthy living
I will go running or walking, at least


because I could not expect the future
the 'flare up' moment could struck me anytime

like right now

get rashes, itchy skin, athralgia, myalgia

I hope to have patience facing messy day with itch and pain

to be honest, I gave up many times
too many I tell you, dear future-me

actually just this afternoon I call it a day
I closed the thick book, switch on laptop, watch nonsense videos (while scratching the itchy skin)

somehow Allah never let it happens for long
because I suddenly remember the day I talked to my parents

"Do you want to stop and balik Malaysia for good?"

"No. I can finish this"

and when I was sick in Malaysia,
I even need umi's help to get up from bed
sometimes I shivered where she need to put on me 3 duvets
and she always ask me,

"Betul ke boleh balik Ireland ni?"


and my forever answer is

"InsyaAllah boleh. I can do it"


kahkah
as entittled this is just a bebelan for myself

Dear future-me,
nobody knows what will happen in the future
you might getting worse
or might get healthy again

(like who knows kan)

you know what
I have big hope for myself
to stop whinning (esp when you are sick)
and be patient, like serious patience

and dear self,
this is another important advice
life is short

please don't give up
of being good servant of Allah
yes it would never be easy
but it surely worth all sweat and tears

for jannah kan, to meet Him one fine day insyaAllah


okay okay..

 I could feel the fingers started to get stiff now

be good
you're picked to end your journey