I have been writing here for almost 8 years

I think my past was described well in here
I could not help myself to not laugh
because of the old writings I made

they are all.. hmm.. kind of memalukan haha

somehow it made me realize I have grown up
maybe not so much
but I am confident to say that I am much better than the old me


hmm..
whenever I have the 'regret' of current life
it must be very helpful to see my past
because I don't want to back to where I was!

hahaha

so kids,
please dont make fun of yourself  by writing useless stuffs
haha

Currently I'm not emotionally stable. There are too many things in my head, all of them concerning about my own future. I guess there is nobody could stop thinking about their own future, right?

At this age, all I could think is who I am in the next 5-10 years. I have never been serious thinking my own future all these while. I know many people advised me, or at least asked me about that, but it never bothered me until I saw many people around me moving forward, taking the first step into the 'grown-up' world. Yes, most of them are the unexpected one. The playful kind of person back in college.

and here I am, the less playful one, still going nowhere.

Living in this world, for a very short time, make me afraid to choose because I will never know what is the best for me. I have approximately a year before I will go back for good. "Bye Ireland and Hye Malaysia!". I obviously not prepared to face a new life in Malaysia. Oh God, I think I will be the forever-alone one in Malaysia, do nothing, be like a robot, having boring life.. and that is all I could think!

So, I told myself, "I am not going back to Malaysia. At least not within a year"

But who said it's easy to stay here. Who's going to feed me anyway haha!

So last weekend I went to meet my friend. I need to tell someone about my worriness. Eventhough I can't tell the whole story- well, there is nobody knowing the whole story of my life. when I said nobody, that means only me knowing what is happening to me, in and out.

So I told her,
" I am not so prepared to go back to Malaysia. It will be very tough. I surely gonna DIE DIE"

"stay then"

"I would if it's possible. But you know with all the restriction on non-EU peeps, I will be very lucky to get a place here"

"Then get yourself first class honours"

urghhh.. if it's that easy right.....

So basically I dont get any answer. And here I am still bothering myself with the same question.



"How do you see yourself in the next 5 years?"


Oh God! I could not think anymore!

I know generally, people would say "I want to have a strong basis of islamic understanding, good career, happy family, cute kids, strong friendship and that's it!"

But I don't know how to put myself to have those things.

yadaa yadaaa I also wants them, just like other human beings.


Okay I think I am rambling a lot in here. Just because this morning I got sick and then this future stuffs get into my dream, and it stucked in my head!


So dear self,
To be honest I don't know what's going to happen to you
Since there are many of my dreams have been broken
It is hard for me to dream a new dream

However dear self,
do know that you are actually make some effort
thinking about your own future
So in the next 5 or 10 years, in whatever condition, please accept yourself
that's the fate, perhaps?
Learn to redha on everything Allah has put on you

and please dont ever forget,
your ultimate dream,
and the dream that nobody could destroy
is to be in Allah's jannah..


so let's work harder to get there, okay?

Don't let it crushed by the things that distract you



Regards,
SNHidayahZ
Jannah's dreamer

(dan yang suka berangan) :p


*walk away*

lowest point

so far, this is my lowest point

hehs.


hujan lebat diluar hanya mampu dipandang dengan linangan air mata. Tubuh kaku terbaring. Tidak bergerak walu seinci. "Ah, mungkin saja dunia ini juga tengah sedih dengan aku", monolog aku sendirian.

hidup di bumi asing. kau hanya mampu bermonolog sendirian. kadang-kadang secara luaran, kadang-kadang dalaman, sebab takkan mampu nak pendam semua rasa hati seorang diri, kan? paling kurang, aku akan mendengus kuat atau melepaskan nafas berat bila ujian menghentak. Bila dah terbuat baru teringat pesan umi, "Nabi tak ajar mendengus macam tu bila ada masalah. Istighfar, ambil wudhu', solat sunat, doa kat Allah. banyak cara orang islam lepaskan rasa hati tahu?"

air mata makin lebat mengalir. walhal air hujan sudah pun berhenti beberapa minit lalu.

Aku bangkit, masih menyelubungi diri di dalam duvet. Aku 'facetime' umi.

Nasib baik umi angkat. Mahu merana anakmu yang jauh di perantauan ini jika tak diangkat.

"Eh, tak pergi sekolah ke kak?"

"Umi, demam. Dah 3 hari tak pergi sekolah. tak makan, tak minum"

mula-mula boleh lah control macho. lepas tu bila ayah dan adik-adik join the call, basah lah pipi.

dan aku dengan perangai buruk suka mengomel, sememangnya menguasai keseluruhan call. eheh.

"Umi, penat umi. sakit lagi. nak exam lagi. geram dgn org lagi (LOLS)"

"Haihh. sabar lah. kenapa tak pergi klinik? tak cukup tu makan panadol je. umi pun baru baik selsema, dalam 11 hari jugaklah duk sakit macamm tu. sebelum tu ayah yang tak sihat. tapi kenalah pergi klinik tu"

banyak lagi lah nasihat umi. sampai habis air mata nak ditumpahkan. nasib baik dah masuk waktu maghrib di tanah sana. Kalau tak mungkin aku akan lagi banyak mengomel. silap hari bulan ayah datang sini bawak aku balik malaysia.

lepas facetime, haruslah sambung baring sampai tertidur. sebelum tu adalah cuba digest nasihat-nasihat umi. sambil fikir bila nak sihat. hehs

masuk waktu zuhur, aku bangun. rasa kuat sikit. walaupun jalan macam orang mabuk. sebab dah 3 hari tak makan. tapi yang paling penting aku rasa aku takdelah down sangat dah kot, hehs.


usai zuhur. aku termenung sekejap. tersenyum sendiri. aku tak pernah lepas ujian sakit yang Allah bagi.

Aku kurang sihat sejak 2 minggu lepas. ups and down, biasalah get infected kat hospital, agak berisiko untuk manusia yang immunedepressed macam aku. Tapi sampai satu tahap, aku mesej kawan baik.

"i want to quit usrah. dakwah. i'm tired"

"*shocked* why so sudden?"

"i'm too tired. i need some space to catch up with my studies"

"ukhti, dekatkan diri dgn Allah. it might be bisikan syaitan"


the first time ever i feel like quitting the TnD stuffs.

walaupun keesokan harinya, ketika aku terbaca post fb seorang ukhti (puisi mungkin) bercerita tentang berpergian kerana merasakan dakwah berat, makin menebal ego aku.

geram.
aku jerit kuat (dalam hati jelah)

"Kau tak pernah tahu apa yang berlaku dalam hidup aku. sedangkan kau di sana masih mampu tersyum di saat ada ukhti yang mengejutkan qiam mu. Kau tak faham jadual hidup aku untuk kau buat general statement macam tu"

sebelum, aku tersedar.

Ah, satu lagi bisikan syaitan...

dan aku sakit lagi...


tapi aku belajar banyak.

aku belajar
ujian akan makin berat, mahu atau tidak aku harus makin kuat
syaitan tak pernah berhenti berusaha, kau yang kena lawan, tapi hati yang dekat dengan Tuhan je mampu lawan


:)

moga Allah masih memilih aku untuk berada dalam kafilah Muhammad ini



p/s: satu lagi yang aku belajar, bestnya takpayah pergi sekolah lols

p/s 2: definitely not my story. sdgn berusaha mengasah bakat menulis. sekrang ni bnyk production baru bukak, bila lagi nak jadi penulis buku kan?

p/s 3: tinggi cita-cita i olls, doakan plis. tapi cita-cita tertinggi haruslah dapat berjumpa dengan Allah dlm keadaan di redhai dan meredhai