since last week I started to fall sick again
all they symptoms came even though I took my meds everyday
I have no clue what to do in such situation

all I do
take paracetamol
for fever and joint pain and muscle pain

hoping it works
most of the time, it doesn't

in the bus to Galway on last Friday
I came across Mas Afzal's blog again
I knew him through his blog after he passed awayy
he is such an inspiration

survived med school while fighting against cancer

last time I read his blog,
I appreciate nothing he write about his condition

but now I feel everything he wrote in his blog

I could still remember all the testing done
multiple kind of blood test, twice daily (at least)
x-rays here and there, echocardiogram some more
drinking a jug of contrast water for CT scan

of course I will never forget
the first time I get into the CT scanner
the big thing looked like it's going to swallow me
also when they bring me on the wheelchair
to the biopsy room for FNA

sakit tahu tak FNA tu!

and the 'berdebar' feeling
to actually know what had happened to me
as they said they have to rule out lymphoma too
even though it looks more like auto-immune

I remembered myself acting so cool condition
as they blurted out their impressions about my
but as I talked to my parents via facetime
I cried and thats all I did
no words could described how I felt

many people came to me since then
even up until today
just to tell how strong I am

deep in my heart, I denied
because I am obviously too weak

people close to me surely knows
how much I cried at night for the pain
how I could not handle chill and rigors that I looked terrible
how fragile I am when the temperature spiked, out of nowhere

I remembered how umi was so worried looking at me
when I go back to Mys for summer break

when it flares up
nothing I could do except lying on bed
even I need umi and ayah's help to get out of bed
because myalgia hit me hard that I could not even use my muscle to support myself

I cried reading all of arwah Mas Afzal's post
then i questioned myself
why did you cry?

Are you afraid of death?

Everyone will die eventually
why are you afraid of death?

kind of worried about myself
is it because I afraid of death?


2 months to go until next appointmennt
I hope they won't forced me to driink that contrast drink again
I hope not to have FNA ever again
I hope they won't tied me on the ward bed ever again

everything starts with hope

I hope to not afraid of death
but anticipating for it instead
so I can meet Allah

:)