Currently I'm not emotionally stable. There are too many things in my head, all of them concerning about my own future. I guess there is nobody could stop thinking about their own future, right?

At this age, all I could think is who I am in the next 5-10 years. I have never been serious thinking my own future all these while. I know many people advised me, or at least asked me about that, but it never bothered me until I saw many people around me moving forward, taking the first step into the 'grown-up' world. Yes, most of them are the unexpected one. The playful kind of person back in college.

and here I am, the less playful one, still going nowhere.

Living in this world, for a very short time, make me afraid to choose because I will never know what is the best for me. I have approximately a year before I will go back for good. "Bye Ireland and Hye Malaysia!". I obviously not prepared to face a new life in Malaysia. Oh God, I think I will be the forever-alone one in Malaysia, do nothing, be like a robot, having boring life.. and that is all I could think!

So, I told myself, "I am not going back to Malaysia. At least not within a year"

But who said it's easy to stay here. Who's going to feed me anyway haha!

So last weekend I went to meet my friend. I need to tell someone about my worriness. Eventhough I can't tell the whole story- well, there is nobody knowing the whole story of my life. when I said nobody, that means only me knowing what is happening to me, in and out.

So I told her,
" I am not so prepared to go back to Malaysia. It will be very tough. I surely gonna DIE DIE"

"stay then"

"I would if it's possible. But you know with all the restriction on non-EU peeps, I will be very lucky to get a place here"

"Then get yourself first class honours"

urghhh.. if it's that easy right.....

So basically I dont get any answer. And here I am still bothering myself with the same question.



"How do you see yourself in the next 5 years?"


Oh God! I could not think anymore!

I know generally, people would say "I want to have a strong basis of islamic understanding, good career, happy family, cute kids, strong friendship and that's it!"

But I don't know how to put myself to have those things.

yadaa yadaaa I also wants them, just like other human beings.


Okay I think I am rambling a lot in here. Just because this morning I got sick and then this future stuffs get into my dream, and it stucked in my head!


So dear self,
To be honest I don't know what's going to happen to you
Since there are many of my dreams have been broken
It is hard for me to dream a new dream

However dear self,
do know that you are actually make some effort
thinking about your own future
So in the next 5 or 10 years, in whatever condition, please accept yourself
that's the fate, perhaps?
Learn to redha on everything Allah has put on you

and please dont ever forget,
your ultimate dream,
and the dream that nobody could destroy
is to be in Allah's jannah..


so let's work harder to get there, okay?

Don't let it crushed by the things that distract you



Regards,
SNHidayahZ
Jannah's dreamer

(dan yang suka berangan) :p


*walk away*